Gladiator: In One Page

(For the busy person that doesn't have time to watch the film)

I’d much rather be walking in a field of wheat than kicking some Germanic butt, but it’s a job and someone has to do it.

You go Max!

Friend!! I'll follow you anywhere!

Unleash hell!!!!

I’ve always liked Max better.

Dad is so mean to me.

Oh shut up and let me take a bath.

If you had been a boy, I would have made you emperor. Commodus isn't nearly as photogenic as you or Max. Besides, he's named after a toilet.

Yeah, but then I wouldn't have been able to wear all of these cool outfits.

Max, I think my son is a wimp, so I'll make YOU my successor even though it will be curtains for me.

Thanks -- but no thanks! I'd rather get my hands dirty working on some farm in the middle of nowhere, than have all the splendor and riches of glorious Rome at my feet. Plus, Ridley had to get his girlfriend in the film somehow!

You should have stuck with me babe. We could have ruled Rome together and then I could have made you wear some nifty outfits too!

I hadn't thought of that . . .

Yeah, and we could have skipped that whole disgusting snot scene.

But then I might not have won my Oscar . . .

I need a bigger role in this film. Take that, you old geezer!

I should have been a better father . . . bye!

Now I'll get to wear some nifty costumes too AND get to tell everyone off! Plus, I can get rid of that pain in-the-neck Maximus. He'll look better in a skirt anyway.

Foe!

(Cry, sniff, snot.)

Hi! I'm the friendly, helpful sidekick. And guess what? Contrary to just about every other Hollywood film, I actually get to live till the end!!!! I'm going to put these gross maggots on you, just because I can!!!

Hey, you're cool. Let's be friends and kick some butt together!

Great! I get to hang out with the star, so we'll be the best fighters. Plus we both look better than everyone else in skirts.

I'll put him in gladiator school. I'll make a killing on those thighs!

Stab, crunch, chop, spit. Are you not entertained?

Hail Thighmaster!!!

It's getting boring pushing everyone around. Let's bring some excitement back to Rome. Half-naked men running around fighting and sweating!!! Fill the coliseum and make sure I get the best seat!

And I get the best outfits!!!

(People of Rome): YES!! YES!! Men in skirts!!!

Hey, I recognize those great legs!

I don't -- I must be blind!

My name is Gladiator . . .

. . . No actually it's not., that's just my stage name. I'm Maximus Decimus Meridius, but that's too long for the marquee. I've come back to kick your butt for making me have that damn snot scene.

I'm vexed, I'm terribly vexed!!!

But I'll wait another 45 minutes or so to finish you off, cause this is way too much fun! Plus, I get to kiss Lucilla later!

I'm vexed, I'm terribly vexed! I'm doing all of this just because I want to kiss Lucilla and she won't let me because I happen to be her brother. Big deal!

No, it's because I have better legs.

Hey what about me???

Don't worry, you have a great scene in the end that'll have the whole audience in tears! And besides, you get to live. That means you can be in the sequel.

Ok cool!

See, I told you you should have stuck with me!

But then I wouldn't have had these great scenes in chains. I look pretty hot in chains, don't you think?

Yeah. But we probably would have had a love scene . . .

Damn, I hadn't thought of that either . . . ok back to the action scenes! We don't want to lose the guys in the audience. We've already won over the women.

Ha! Caught you again. Now I'm going to do something REALLY mean since I'm the bad guy and I'm going to die in the end anyway. Stab!

Ouch!

Friend!!!

Fight, slash, stab. Ouch, Ouch! Die already!!!

I WIN!! Oh wait, what's that door I keep seeing???

Do I get my big scene now?

No! I'm not dead yet!!! Give Rome back to the Senate. Or at least to someone who doesn't want to sleep with his sister. Ok I'm going now, I've got to prepare my Oscar speech. See ya! I guess I won't be in the sequel, but there's always the prequel. I can play my younger self. It worked for Anthony Hopkins!

What am I going to wear to the funeral?

Hey, you guys forgot about me!!!!

Finally ! My big scene! I'll bury Max's things so no one will ever know he played with dolls.

THE END